A Fucking Priest

How is it that I get to hear other people’s confessions?
I am imperfect (if they only knew)
but tonight I had two IM conversations
with past students

One had fainted and is having health issues
the conversation turned to her problems with BM
and stool softeners and fainting
and men
the fact that there are no Christian men asking her out
she’s a wonderful young woman
but there are too many young men who are not men
they would be lucky to catch her

and then I got an IM from Russia
yep, Russia
because one of my old students was an exchange student from Russia
so we shared
and she confessed past sins
I listened
and loved her
across and ocean and untold time zones

but a fucking priest
You gotta be kidding

Sometimes Parenthood Sucks

This is not a new truth or revelation. It is something that I have known and experienced time and time again over the 19+ years that I have been a parent and probably something my own parents have been dealing with since 1963 (except mom was freed from the shit of this world 10 years ago).

What brings this to the forefront of my mind and makes me strike the keys as a way of personal therapy and release? The first was an online chat I had tonight. It’s kind of weird when co-workers that you have not had much contact with add you as a friend on Facebook. That’s what happened the other day. A co-worker from a past job requested to be added as a friend. We had never been too friendly. We had smoked together on breaks once or twice but we were far from BFFs. But, I love people so when the request came I accepted. Then tonight while I was online I got the “hi” from the chat window. I politely replied and then the floodgates opened. The anonymity of IM allowed her to share about her grown son headed back to Iraq and then to Afghanistan. She shared that it had been a long time since she had seen him cry and how powerless she was to comfort and protect him. I was reminded that there comes a time when we can no longer kiss our kids and make their boo boos go away.

The second thing that made this come up was helping my daughter with her homework tonight. It was not tough, in fact, it was not even here in town. She is on a college visit trip with her mother and had me type a paper and submit it online since it was due by midnight. So I put her on speaker phone and she dictated what I needed to type and then directed me how to do the online submission. That was not what made parenthood suck. What made parenthood suck was reading the college essay that she was submitting to various colleges. She talks about my being fired from a church and how it affected her. How the loss of 300 people that she had previously seen as family was devastating. She then talks about how she grew from the experience. All of that made me happy for her. The sucky part is when she talked about the fact that even though she feels as if she has recovered from this she feels that I have not ever fully recovered. My little girl sees her father broken from the shit that fallen people dump on each other. I have wanted to protect her, nourish her, empower her and she sees her daddy as broken.

It is partially true. I am broken from this experience, not because of what people have done to me, but because of what it has done to my little girl. I have worked 4 or 5 jobs in order to provide and keep her in her house and around her friends. We made with 50 cents/ hour of each other. Her father with a Master’s degree and doctorate education (minus the dissertation) was making barely more than his teenage daughter. I have showered old ladies and men, cleaned them when they shit themselves, held another man’s penis while he tried to clean himself. Jesus only washed his disciples’ feet, I have done much more. I have done this for my kids. And that’s what makes parenthood suck.
Sometimes

*(After reflecting on this more I understand that the shit we go through might suck for us and our kids but makes us into the people we are today)

Prejudice

I was thinking about prejudice
how often have I judged someone unjustly
based on grounds that are unfounded

I see someone who looks like me and I find a certain affinity for them
seeing someone who is as far out as me makes me happy
seeing someone like the one I love makes my heart sing

seeing someone who is different
especially when society has branded them as dangerous
causes my social justice loving sphincter to tighten
my hand to reach for door locks
and my shame to rise

I used to think I am color blind when it comes to people
but unfortunately that is bullshit
I carry these things inside of me
and as part of the dominant society
I am ashamed
and sorry

Wishing

I had one more chance
my pride did not get in the way

wish she was still here
still a hope
a dream on the horizon

One more chance

PLEASE!

Love Lost

i thought i had it
i thought i saw it
i thought that happiness
true happiness
was just around the corner
and now it is gone
shattered like a dish dropped on a hardwood floor
my heart is in little pieces
too small to sweep up
only the vacuum of what could have been
SOMEDAY
will suck up this mess
and i will bleed all over it
as i try and determine
what i did wrong
where i failed
how i was inadequate

so i will sleep with these thoughts
hoping to sleep forever
but sure that God will not grant me this gift
for i have fucked up
i have done wrong
even as i have sought the right
that my heart drew me to

so fuck it all
that’s how i feel
no longer a capital letter
incomplete without her
hurt
alone
and hopeless

SUCH IS LIFE!!!!

(fuck my life)

An Unlikely Result

I’ve got tattoos
Some people love them
others judge me negatively because of them
when one is a Rev. people have certain expectations
I have even lost a job partially because of them

But on Sunday
I was shown a picture of a tattoo
that a woman in church is going to get
to celebrate her 60th birthday
and she said I inspired her to get it

Some preachers inspire people to
become missionaries
share the Gospel
teach
give
learn

but I inspire tattoos
pretty bitchin’ if I do say so myself

Beginnings = Endings

Today I coached my last practice of the year
my last practice of the last 7 years
and I am a fucking wreck
I hate ending good things
I love coaching
and there may be more in the future
BUT
today reminded me that beginnings = endings

birth = end to the safety of the uterus
eternal life = end of temporal life
marriage = end of dating
diet = end of gluttony
new jobs = end of free time
moving = end of some friendships (they weren’t real friends anyway)
growing up = end of childish ways (see 1 Cor. 13)

So my heart breaks
and yearns
for yesterday
and tomorrow (SOMEDAY)
and the contradiction
is not lost on me

BUT
I still feel like shit
and there is not enough
alcohol to make it all go away

Afraid

When one steps up to bat
they look at the pitcher
thinking they WILL hit the ball
at least that’s what I think the good batters must think

So I prepare to step up to the plate again
to do what I love
what I was made for

YET
I am afraid
I have failed twice
I don’t know what I will do if I fail a third time

But
for now
I will step up
and swing with all my might

strike out
or
home run
time will tell

But I’m still
a little bit
AFRAID

Rest Area

He sat there in the car at the end of the rest area thinking about what had happened. His mind a blur with details, all he knew was his heart felt like it no longer had a purpose. With each contraction of the chambers he felt the pain of love lost.

Even though the heat was blasting at his feet his skin was cold to the touch and shivering uncontrollably. The tears that were racing down his cheeks chilled his very sole. He reached over to the glove compartment and pushed the button. The door flopped down and bounced a few times before coming to a rest. It sat there where is always had, as a safety measure. Through tear blurred eyes he focused on it and grabbed it from its resting place. Why did it feel so heavy? His fingers struck to it as if it had been in the freezer and his skin made a frozen connection. He had always thought that this was the chickenshit way of doing things too quick too sudden. Not enough suffering. But he let the weight of it bear fully upon his hand as he stared into the dark death of the barrel. As he set the gun on the seat he noticed something else in the glove compartment. There it was. What he wanted. What he needed.

“This is much lighter, and perfect. No chickenshit way out. Feel everything,” he thought to himself. His fingers slid across it as he pushed the safety lock upon. The cold metal came to life with a flick of the wrist and the tool that had been used to field dress so many deer glistened like a mirror in his hand. He turned it over and over viewing his reflection in the blade. Then as he turned it over again her saw something in the reflection that caught his eye. Looking out the window he noticed it. Against the gray background of the cloudburst he saw the one thing that could give him hope, lift his heart.

The rainbow shown in glorious beauty as it kissed the ground at both ends. As his eyes traced the path he noticed a mirror image of the first and smiled. This was their special item, the thing that had connected them together that first time. He could smell her scent in his nostrils and almost feel the warmth of her skin nuzzled in the nape of his neck. He felt alive. He felt confident. He felt brave.

The smile never left his face as the crimson river of life puddled in his lap.

Today

I got to see my love
I had planned on entering her home and kissing her deeply
claiming her as mine
shoving my tongue into her mouth
pressing our bodies close together
Asserting myself and making her realize
just how much I missed her
how much I love her
how much I desire her

Then it happened
I arrived
the door opened
and I was welcomed in
her lips parted as our tongues wrestled with one another
feeling our way as only lovers do
her skin felt electric beneath my touch
nails dug into the flesh of her back
hands groped down the back of her pants and ass cheeks we squeezed tight
a moan, a sigh
signals to continue and as my erection grew
so did our desire
pants opened and panties push aside as fingers explored the slippery dampness between her legs
first one finger then two crept their way into her hot pussy
trusting in and out her head rolled back
and then it became too much to bear
I needed to be in her
she needed me there

and we ran
as near as one can run with pants around their ankles
to a place where we could finish
and her clothes we gone in an instant
and she bent over
and I entered her from behind
the tightness of her was almost too much to handle
and before I knew it
she was filled with my ejaculation
warm and sticky it filled her
and we were satisfied (for a moment)

and then we laughed
at the penguin walk/run we had made
and it was funny
and it was sexy
and I was amazed that everything is fresh
and new
and exciting

then I smelled her on my fingers as I drove off
I tasted her sweat juices as I licked them
I smiled and moaned and laughed

and
I love Her
because we can laugh
and talk
and fuck wildly

She is my friend
my lover
my SOMEDAY